I cannot find my penis.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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