im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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