I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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