Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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