Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
