i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
