I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
