Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
