Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
