....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
