$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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