Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
