when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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