Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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