No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
