I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
