Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
