Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she peed on how many people?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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