I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
