shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
