can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
