Just fell off a train. Bad.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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