need another drink. this is the easiest way
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize