You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
