Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
