I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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