Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Don't you send me to vm
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
