checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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