mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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