last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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