I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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