Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
