I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize