dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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