are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
