you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
