Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
