just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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