i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
