Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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