He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
