i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
