It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
