good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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