Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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