Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
