so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
