the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
