Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
