The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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