What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize