OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
