the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
