The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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