well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
