I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
