3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
